The Sojourn

For a long time I have known something - last night it was confirmed. I hate train trips.

No matter who is taking it, no matter if it is only for a few hours. I simply hate it.

Last night I went to the Chennai Central to see off my friend. Though I was not alone, two other friends were with me, I just simply couldn't see Vinu smiling and waving to us when the train started moving.

When I reached home and retired for the night, sleep eluded me. The plastic on the mattress kept making strange noises in-tandem with my tossing and turning on it.

I was thinking of the next trip I am supposed to take. The one to Delhi. I had planned to leave in late May. Now it is July. And I still haven't decided to go. I have and yet something keeps me here.

The train journeys are good time to think. To get a better perspective about your future. And when you have THREE days to do so, it is a god-given gift. Right?

Wrong!

The thinking is tiresome and when you are all alone with nothing but strangers to company and you want your best friend to be with you just to tell you it is going to be all alright. It is definitely not a gift.

The last journey that I took on train was from Kerala to Chennai. Last month. Two weeks ago. And yet it seems so far behind. My uncle was waving to me and I was looking and trying not to cry. Because though I promised them I would come back, I don't know when I would be able to keep my word.

And all through the journey I felt that I should have someone to talk to. I made two 'friends' - Soumya and Annie on the train. Both were going to join their first job and were fresh out of MA. We came to know of our collective liking towards literature and the journey seemed easier.

But till today, I keep expecting them to call or even write a mail. And that never happens.

This sojourn seemed endless and because all of us are simply human, we communicate. We talk and we may or may not make an impact on other people but that is just it right? We are all travellers.

I remember when I was coming to Chennai for this job. I was excited and apprehensive about my first job. And I had called my friends in Delhi to tell them I was going to be a temporary Chennaiite. And the temporarity hasn't yet been over. It's been almost three months since I came here. A lot has happened to me in between. The life that I had before Chennai seems so far behind. And yet I want to keep making those trips to ... somewhere to know if I feel apprehensive about it. Still.

The next one on agenda - the one to Delhi scares me. Lot of reasons. And yet I have to make it. There is no other way around it. And that is what scares me. There is no possibility of a change of plan. I could keep postponing it, but one day I have to go. My life - the old one is still there. My family and my friends are still there. Though I am not, the ghost of the younger Agnostia is still there. She lives among her loved ones.

And what scares me is that the one who is here no longer wishes to be reacquainted with the old self.