Yet Another of Them Realisations...

The litte girl grew up.

I might be a cynic, but I have not turned a critic yet. I still do find beauty in words, perfection in nature and serenity in music.

I can assure you that the day I turn a critic, would be the day I turn dead. I am coming back, with no hope or dreams for the future.
I am doing whatever would help me understand me.

That is my goal now. To know myself. I don't think I would be able to go back to the naïveté.
Now I am afraid to come there because I am no longer that girl from that world.

I have created a world of my own. With God's help, but I pray to him and think of him with a kind of doubt that Thomas had when he saw Christ resurrected.
I am not a devout disciple or something, but I do believe that He would still look after me, even though I have denounced morality, and turned into a semi-anarchic believer.

He is my creator, and so He would see to it that I don't get the acute pain, which might make me go to Him directly and ask what did I do to deserve this?
Life seems bearable with the heavy albeit sad realisations, that you are not made for great things. But this is where my cynicism rears its ugly head.

It keeps on asking me that would you or would you not fight your destiny. I don't have any answers, but I sure as hell would try to find them.
Life is full of momentary pleasures; and pain is bound to come, no matter how hard we try to build ourselves up to bear it, it is always unbearable.

But it doesn't mean that I wouldn't go look for things that would put a sparkle in eye, a smile in my demeanour. Goofiness might help us try to hide those scars, they are still there. No point in trying to behave or believe they don't exist.

Smiling through tears is something I have learnt. And the lesson would always be close to my heart.

Because, here I learnt variations of the same rule.
But the new rule in life is that let GO of heart's desire. And though you have them, you still can't have them.

Know what I mean?